Too Close for Comfort – McFly, Wonderland
Sunday again. I am sat at the kitchen table, and my dog is licking my feet. This is not an entirely unpleasant sensation, and yet somehow slightly vile, especially since I know where his tongue has been. And he’s just had his morning doggie treat, so my feet now smell of Bonios. Nice.
So, I found an article in the paper earlier this week – was wasting eight minutes on the train trying to find anything vaguely newsworthy in either thelondonpaper or metro (futile, clearly). Anyway, it was a Bloke’s Guide To Flirting – basically a guide to picking up girls for the socially inept. I tore it out by the way, so do let me know if you’d like a copy. Not that, you know, any of YOU might need it. Just a thought. Anyway.
I once gave a workshop on flirting. I applied for a job last year which, for the interview, required that I spend an hour teaching the interview panel something new. It could be anything – football skills, origami, morris dancing, whatever. I opted for a practical workshop on the art of flirting, which seemed like a brilliantly original idea at the time (and received much drunken support and enthusiasm from GBF, may I add). I did have a minor `oh shit what the fuck am I doing?’ moment when the girl before me came out of the interview room, having clearly just taught them to make paper flowers or something equally innocuous. But my flirting masterclass seemed to go down very well, although on reflection perhaps not since I didn’t get the job. But the point is that I know LOTS about flirting.
So, as a self-declared expert in this field, I have issues with a few of the `Dos and Don’ts of Picking Up Girls’ included in this article:
1) “DO hold near-constant eye contact”
No, please don’t. You will look like a freak-boy mentalist or Hannibal Lecter, and women will run screaming from you.
2) “DO escalate things more quickly if she is obviously attracted to you”
How, exactly? By thrusting your hand up her skirt or getting your cock out? Or inviting her round to your gran’s for tea and probing her sexual history?
3) “DON’T wait too long to escalate physically and introduce sexual tension”
OK, stop right there. Look, this is an article for men who DON’T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO GIRLS. Perhaps a few more specifics might be in order? What does `escalate physically’ mean? How does one `introduce sexual tension’? Right now I have visions of some poor chap attempting to mount her on a bar stool and dribbling “I’m gonna make you beg, bitch” into her ear.
Clearly this article was originally written for gay men, for whom flirting seems to be a far less complex affair. Don’t blame me if this recycled lazy journalism gets half the socially inept geeks in London kneed in the bollocks or added to the Sex Offender’s Register.
And talking of gay men and sexual tension (or lack thereof) I’m off on holiday with GBF in ten days’ time. A long weekend on my mum’s narrowboat with GBF, other half and our friends M&H. Mum is moving in to look after kids and dog while we’re away (thanks Mum, you’re a star).
So the questions to be answered are:
a) What will be the ratio of pubs visited to miles travelled?
b) What time of the day is it respectable to start drinking when you’re on a boat?
c) At what point over the four days will we realise that any attempt at modesty is entirely futile when there are five of us sleeping on an open-plan boat, and just start wandering around naked?
d) And most importantly, if GBF and I are both there, who gets to write the blog?
Posted by H on July 29th, 2007 | Filed under HFactor
July 29th, 2007 at 6:02 pm
a) 3:1, at least. Hopefully.
b) Boats operate on a separate timezone, so as long as it’s in the first 15 minutes of the hour, any time of day is okay.
c) My estimate is around 36-40 hours in.
d) Oooooh! Me! Pick me! (No, don’t. Really.)
July 29th, 2007 at 6:03 pm
Why, tea-making son and darling daughter get to write the blog.
Obviously.
July 29th, 2007 at 7:35 pm
oh, you both confused me for a moment. I meant, if GBF and I are both on the boat trip, which one of us gets to write about it?
Clearly my original attempt was very poorly written. On this basis alone, it should probably be him.
July 29th, 2007 at 9:39 pm
“Right now I have visions of some poor chap attempting to mount her on a bar stool and dribbling “I’m gonna make you beg, bitch” into her ear.”
Will you PLEASE put my diary back where you found it?
July 29th, 2007 at 11:26 pm
To avoid the unpleasantness of you and I getting pissed on Pimms, fighting over the blog and me pushing you into the canal, I have decided to do the decent thing and…
…write it first! Ha ha! I am working on it as we speak!
Day 1: Awkward start to day. Woke up naked nursing a) hangover b) memories of strip poker with vodka c) The Other Half. Him also naked - seems there was sexual tension.
H passed out across kitchen sink - doesn’t look comfortable. M+H asleep in dinghy dragged behind craft. Didn’t start out with dingy. Confusing.
Ooh, am actually going to enjoy this…
July 30th, 2007 at 1:09 am
Bloody Hell. Not even on the water yet, but already I can hear the sound of duelling banjos wafting on the breeze.
Maybe it’s time for OH to make his mark . . .
July 30th, 2007 at 9:20 am
I want to come along
July 31st, 2007 at 2:26 am
Oooh… I forgot about the quiz:
a) No idea. But I do know that The bacterium wolbachia causes skewed sex ratios in some arthropod species as it kills males. Is this what you had in mind?
b) Ask the Captain of the ‘Exxon Valdez’
c) YouTube
d) Unlike the ruffians in the back row, I [preens] was paying attention, Miss, and it made perfect sense the first time around.
July 31st, 2007 at 12:54 pm
‘Ere Hfaact’r,
Well oi aask bugg’ry bill tha bloke ‘oo done tha’ lecshur ’bout canaal retenshun at tha loibr’y cos diddyer dun’t turrn up ‘gin, an ‘e says colon
a] Ow longs tha’ boat but gen’ral loike tha huratio be 1 colon 1 cos ‘e reach furst pub in twany mins an th’n he get roight blaad’r'd an you loikly spen sevr’l days not bein aars’d wi tha boaty.
b} Bugg’ry say bout eight Bells, but ‘e dun’t say when you c’n drink em.
c] Well oi reck’ns ’bout foive mins b4 (tha’ mean BFORE loik txt’n) GBF turn out t’ be a straityboy or oth’r haalf turn out t’ be a gayun or ‘oo turn out t’ be a lesion.
c] {b} Hur
d] oo ev’rs left staand’n.
Roight tha’s it.
Bas
July 31st, 2007 at 1:04 pm
An’ Merv done Hur.
An now oi says t’ Merv oi wrote Merv done Hur an ‘e goes Hur ag’n an says he wooden say no an if huratio ‘e get ‘im leg over e’ end up all on tha other soide.
Bas
July 31st, 2007 at 2:24 pm
I thought this was supposed to be a chance to view the beautiful and delicate ecosystem of the canal, with its varied flora and fauna!
I plan to keep a wildlife diary and use this forum to publish excerpts from it on our return. GBF, on the other hand, seems to think some kind of Bacchanalian orgy is in the offing. Only time will tell!
Incidentally, “I’m going to make you beg, bitch” is my one and only chat up line (works like a charm)and a chapter from Barbara Woodhouse’ best selling book, ‘Training your dog the Woodhouse way’. Spooky.
July 31st, 2007 at 3:56 pm
Well, now I’m torn. TORN.
Traditionally, nudie drunken binges ponced up to look like canal trips usually end up with at least one person dancing around with a daffodil sticking out of their bottom, but I’m buggered if I can imagine where the fauna might fit in.
If I were a blokey on the trip, I would advise against the nakedness, as you’re likely to be deafened by the Mad Lady of Bath’s screeches of “Whathafuch’s tha? followed by gales of girlie giggles, and possibly a splash.
As the OT’s “I’m going to make you beg, bitch” definitely trumps my ‘I’m a little teapot’ disaster, I reckon he should get the blogorific.
December 6th, 2007 at 6:03 pm
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August 5th, 2009 at 7:37 am
Добавлю в избранное, написано не плохо
August 6th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Понравилась статья.Буду следить за комментами….
September 5th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Отличное наполнение блога, есть что почитать интересного, спс
September 5th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
Присоединяюсь, к комментариям! Добавлю в избранное!
September 12th, 2009 at 7:29 am
А мне нравится этот блог, только авторам надо помнить , что посетители разные бывают. Короче учитывайте возростной ценс посетителей.
September 26th, 2009 at 6:49 am
Я так и думал, автор спасибо)
October 5th, 2009 at 10:05 am
Как раз то что искал, большое спасибо!
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Отдыхали в Крыму?
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